He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
