I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
40s are totally the cure
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Text me some of your sweat
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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