party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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