put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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