i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
