i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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