You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
