What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Randomize
