Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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