I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My balls are so social today.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
