She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
