so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
