If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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