Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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