I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
