So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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