Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
