i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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