our cab driver is having phone sex.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
