He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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