Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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