How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
