Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
