Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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