I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
