Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
