I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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