I think I died a long time ago.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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