So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
