she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Randomize
