i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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