So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
