I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just pee around me
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
