We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
