Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
