put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
