What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
