saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
