Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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