Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
