How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
