I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
