Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
