Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
