and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
