I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
