My hand turned me down
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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