I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
