this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Can you repeat that, but with context?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
