I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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