I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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