The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
