Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I look better un-naked...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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