I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
