I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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