Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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