The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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