I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
