i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
