Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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