that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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