my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
