I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
