Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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