Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
