I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Im part way to drunk.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
