Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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